do not question, do not destroy, take my head

Wow. 2007. FINALLY. O.K., I want to wish you all an amazing new year and also to share with you my New Year's Resolution which is to LEARN SPANISH. I'm totally excited and I can't wait to start. I am sitting her looking at my Berlitz tapes from the library. Oh, I can't wait anymore!!! I have to go!

Cats is going to be biyingual!
Yove, Mao

the dainty cyclone is coming

I know, I know. Another survey. But this one seems timely...

Would you kiss the last person you kissed, again?
Uhhhh.... yeah, why not.

How many girlfriends/ boyfriends have told you they love you?
2

Have you ever thought that you were going to marry a person?
Yes, but I always got out of it.

Have you ever loved someone so much that it hurt?
Yes, both in the waxing and gibbous stages.

Have you ever made a boyfriend or girlfriend cry?
Yes, but not on purpose.

Are you happier single or in a relationship?
Single! Life is so much less complicated!

Have you ever been cheated on?
Oh, my yes.

Have you ever told someone you loved them and didn't mean it?
I have been on the gibbous side of meaning it a couple of times...

Have you ever had your heart broken?
Yeah.

Talk to any of your Exes?
All except one. Which is for the best.

If you could go back in time and change things, would you?
Nah. My exes are all paired up with much more suitable women.

Think any of your exes feel the same?
I don't think there's anyone who would break a vow or anything, and most everyone is paired up. 'Cept fer me! I loves em an' leaves em!

Do you believe that you are a good girlfriend/boyfriend or friend?
I think I'm o.k. at it... I don't know. I don't really like it all that much. It has it's advantages obviously, but there's a lot about being in a relationship that is annoying and foreign and uncomfortable, and I only start dating people when I really can't help it. I like being alone better and just doing it with somebody once in a while.

Have you dated someone who was not good to you?
OH, MY yes.

Have you dated someone older than you?
Yes, by 12 years.

Younger?
Yes, by 11 years. I'm a sassy lassie, you know.

Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?
Absolutely.

Do you Believe in love at first sight?
I believe it's probably happened to other people. Just never to me.

Ever been given/gave an engagement ring?
No. Lots of proposals, no rings. I call that BULLSHIT.

Ever been given/gave a promise ring?
Nope.

Do you ever want to get married?
I don't really want to. I was raised by a single mom, and I just never learned how to do married. I am better at being in relationships now than I have ever been, but I still think they're a challenge. In short, if I ever went out with you seriously, you can be sure that I must have really liked you.

Has anyone ever told you they wanted to marry you?
Yeah, two serious proposals. Didn't take either.

Ever liked your friend's boyfriend or girlfriend?
I don't think so... I think I may have noticed a good-looking one or two, but no crushes ever that I can remember.

Does heartbreak really feel as bad as it sounds?
Yeah, but there's something amazing about it, too. I was never a big dater as a youth, and decided one day in college to take the bull by the horns and ask this guy I liked to go out with me, and DIG THIS, he makes out with me, goes home and tells ALL OUR FRIENDS that this HAPPENED, and then comes back and tells me that he can't go out with me because he's just not attracted to me. So that was pretty heartbreaking. Well, now that I read this, it was probably more humiliating than heartbreaking. But I did feel really bad that I liked him and he wasn't interested. BUT... I felt this kind of amazing wonderful pain at having put myself out there and allowed myself to be so vulnerable, even if I did get burned. So as bad as it felt, it was sort of good.

I've been through real heartbreak too, and when your love has terminally disappointed you and it has to be over even though you are still so, so, so much in love. When you're in it there is really almost nothing that you can do or read or hear that can possibly convince you that you are in the middle of a Positive Learning Experience. In fact, if you try to say this to someone who is in the middle of feeling real heartbreak, you deserve the punch in the nuts that you will surely receive. But, the truth is, I feel like my gigantical heartbreak of two years ago was in actuality a wonderful experience. All the things that went into it, all the mortifications of the ego and self, all of it, it was completely worth it and made me the person I am. And I'm groovy! If I met myself, I would totally hang out with me. And I know that sounds facetious, but I think I would not have said that as easily prior to the Positive Learning Experience.

So LOVE ON, brothers and sisters!!
SMOOCH!
Love, Cats

happy the birthday of jesus christ the girl

I am kind of glad to be out of the city for a bit. I have had some very surprising social experiences lately. Well, one very surprising experience mainly. Which has kind of thrown me for a loop and I have absolutely no idea how to handle it or whom I should be talking to about it (so of course, I'm blogging about it. Duh. Well, it's not like I'm mentioning names or anything!). The thing is, it was of a lovey-dovey nature. And I am extremely happy being Singley McSingleton, as I have been for several months now... but having the Experience of a Lovey Dovey Nature has kind of left me thinking that I might like to have another one with this particular individual. So I'm doing things like checking my phone compulsively and going on myspace all the time, and the one with whom I had the ELDN is not calling or e-mailing, and at this point I have to bring up the fact that I know from my friend who quoted to me from the very important book of our time He's Just Not That Into You, that if he wanted to have another ELDN with me, he would have called me/myspaced me/shown up with some flowers or something by now because if boys want to go out with you, they will find a way to get in touch. And if they don't, they won't. And he's not.

AND, this also bothers me, the fact that I have been asked out by some lovely boys I know for things like coffee and museum visits and I am not even thinking about those perfectly good boys and their charming invitations now, I am just (mildly) obsessing about this one ELDN.

Here's the thing. I'm finishing up the Gerald Clarke bio of Truman Capote, and towards the end of his life he kept getting involved with people out of sheer control issues, and while I wouldn't compare myself to TC completely, I can admit that there was a time in my life when I dated a person who was bad, bad, bad for me and I stayed with him because I liked the ELDNs I had with him and the bad, co-dependent controlling part of me didn't want him to want to have ELDNs with anyone else because my big, fat ego couldn't stand the thought of him being with someone else. Finally, my only choice was to break up with this person and accept the onslaught of humiliations to my ego, and it was actually a really good thing because just feeling the pain, feeling the crap out of it, kind of took the egomaniac out of me. Why be scared of that pain? It sucked, but I lived. And I don't have to deal with a meanie all the time anymore.

I'm just admitting this because it's cyberspace and so completely private.

Well, o.k., I guess I just don't feel that embarrassed about it any more because I've really had lots of help in this area and am now not like that anymore. I've had several normal relationships that have ended well since. And now boys like the one I was in the bad, bad, bad relationship with aren't even attracted to me, which I consider a personal triumph. Or maybe my former therapist should consider it her personal triumph. Or maybe we should just share the glory.

But this feeling, this ocd phone check/myspace check feels familiar. So I'm reading ol' TC's tortured bio and, well... he picked bad people to go out with. No question. And my guy I had the ELDN with is not bad people, I consider him a good friend. But I think the thing that is TC's downfall with these guys is that he wanted his boyfriends to be what he wanted them to be, not just whoever it was they already were. He wanted them to become the companion he needed, and bitterly resented them when they couldn't do it. And I do know that this guy will probably not be what I need, and I am reasonably certain that I am not what he needs. And while I have a lot of regard for him as a person, I have , during our friendship, often stood back and marveled at his unhealthy choice-making. And while I very much enjoy the kissing, I think the things that would come with it would be uncomfortable and painful and possibly friendship-destroying.

Here's the other thing... did I even like him before he kissed me??? I never really felt that way about him exactly. He's an artist whose approval I desired, definitely. But I didn't think I liked him like that... at least I wasn't consciously aware of it. Until he kissed the crap out of me. Now I'm aware of it. OR, maybe it just materialized when the kissing happened, in which case, shouldn't its veracity be questioned?

The bitter irony was that when my friend was quoting to me from that classic tome HJNTIY, it was because I was the SOUGHT not the SEEKER. She was congratulating me because I got asked out by someone who tracked me down to do it (in a sweet way, not a creepy-stalker way). And I remember thinking, what a silly book. I'm so glad I don't need a bunch of dating manuals!

You can get it used at amazon for as low as 5.49.