happy the birthday of jesus christ the girl

I am kind of glad to be out of the city for a bit. I have had some very surprising social experiences lately. Well, one very surprising experience mainly. Which has kind of thrown me for a loop and I have absolutely no idea how to handle it or whom I should be talking to about it (so of course, I'm blogging about it. Duh. Well, it's not like I'm mentioning names or anything!). The thing is, it was of a lovey-dovey nature. And I am extremely happy being Singley McSingleton, as I have been for several months now... but having the Experience of a Lovey Dovey Nature has kind of left me thinking that I might like to have another one with this particular individual. So I'm doing things like checking my phone compulsively and going on myspace all the time, and the one with whom I had the ELDN is not calling or e-mailing, and at this point I have to bring up the fact that I know from my friend who quoted to me from the very important book of our time He's Just Not That Into You, that if he wanted to have another ELDN with me, he would have called me/myspaced me/shown up with some flowers or something by now because if boys want to go out with you, they will find a way to get in touch. And if they don't, they won't. And he's not.

AND, this also bothers me, the fact that I have been asked out by some lovely boys I know for things like coffee and museum visits and I am not even thinking about those perfectly good boys and their charming invitations now, I am just (mildly) obsessing about this one ELDN.

Here's the thing. I'm finishing up the Gerald Clarke bio of Truman Capote, and towards the end of his life he kept getting involved with people out of sheer control issues, and while I wouldn't compare myself to TC completely, I can admit that there was a time in my life when I dated a person who was bad, bad, bad for me and I stayed with him because I liked the ELDNs I had with him and the bad, co-dependent controlling part of me didn't want him to want to have ELDNs with anyone else because my big, fat ego couldn't stand the thought of him being with someone else. Finally, my only choice was to break up with this person and accept the onslaught of humiliations to my ego, and it was actually a really good thing because just feeling the pain, feeling the crap out of it, kind of took the egomaniac out of me. Why be scared of that pain? It sucked, but I lived. And I don't have to deal with a meanie all the time anymore.

I'm just admitting this because it's cyberspace and so completely private.

Well, o.k., I guess I just don't feel that embarrassed about it any more because I've really had lots of help in this area and am now not like that anymore. I've had several normal relationships that have ended well since. And now boys like the one I was in the bad, bad, bad relationship with aren't even attracted to me, which I consider a personal triumph. Or maybe my former therapist should consider it her personal triumph. Or maybe we should just share the glory.

But this feeling, this ocd phone check/myspace check feels familiar. So I'm reading ol' TC's tortured bio and, well... he picked bad people to go out with. No question. And my guy I had the ELDN with is not bad people, I consider him a good friend. But I think the thing that is TC's downfall with these guys is that he wanted his boyfriends to be what he wanted them to be, not just whoever it was they already were. He wanted them to become the companion he needed, and bitterly resented them when they couldn't do it. And I do know that this guy will probably not be what I need, and I am reasonably certain that I am not what he needs. And while I have a lot of regard for him as a person, I have , during our friendship, often stood back and marveled at his unhealthy choice-making. And while I very much enjoy the kissing, I think the things that would come with it would be uncomfortable and painful and possibly friendship-destroying.

Here's the other thing... did I even like him before he kissed me??? I never really felt that way about him exactly. He's an artist whose approval I desired, definitely. But I didn't think I liked him like that... at least I wasn't consciously aware of it. Until he kissed the crap out of me. Now I'm aware of it. OR, maybe it just materialized when the kissing happened, in which case, shouldn't its veracity be questioned?

The bitter irony was that when my friend was quoting to me from that classic tome HJNTIY, it was because I was the SOUGHT not the SEEKER. She was congratulating me because I got asked out by someone who tracked me down to do it (in a sweet way, not a creepy-stalker way). And I remember thinking, what a silly book. I'm so glad I don't need a bunch of dating manuals!

You can get it used at amazon for as low as 5.49.