This is actually not all that anonymous...

So I'm reading Dry by Augusten Burroughs and in it he recounts his recovery from alcoholism, and he goes over the AA twelve-step process in pretty interesting detail. I thought Running With Scissors was funny and I'm still sort of thrown by the fact that it is all pretty much true, so when I saw Dry I grabbed it thinking, I can't wait to read more wacky adventures of that mixed-up guy! Well, I ended up relating to it a little differently than I thought I would. While his debauchery was, of course, far more epic than mine could ever be... I kind of related to certain aspects of his suffering. Namely the addiction part. SO I decided to look up an internet quiz and self-diagnose.

HOW TO KNOW IF OVEREATERS ANONYMOUS IS FOR YOU
1. Do you eat when you're not hungry?
Oh my yes. I am almost never HUNGRYhungry in the morning, but I always eat because I love eggs and toast. Then, I can't wait for lunch to come because it's a welcome respite from what I'm usually doing (working at boring temp job). Candy and cookies are an excellent pick-me-up at 10 and 2, by the way, and if there happens to be a Starbucks in the building I'm working in, so much the better darling! Then hooray for dinnertime! And then snacks in the evening, cookies or toast or popcorn or crackers and hummus. That and a little vino, and I think I've just explained why my ass is so damn big.
2. Do you go on eating binges for no apparent reason?
I like to think of "Because there's a pizza" as an apparent reason. I've never gone out to get food just to eat it... but if food happens to be there, it's a goner. And I have gone through nearly-empty cupboards and created some very weird mostly-carbohydrate concoctions to soothe the beast.
3. Do you have feelings of guilt and remorse after overeating?
That's not normal?
4. Do you give too much time and thought to food?
I think so, yes. I don't know what's a normal amount, though... but let's just say yes.
5. Do you look forward with pleasure and anticipation to the time when you can eat alone?
No, but I look forward to times when there some food to eat... I love popping over to Summit House to see what's for dinner. Mmmmm... hippie food, buffet style!
6. Do you plan these secret binges ahead of time?
Well, my binges aren't secrets. I am usually eating with people, and even if I weren't I usually end up with some food stuck to my shirt. Highly incriminating.
7. Do you eat sensibly before others and make up for it alone?
No, I eat like a hog in front of everybody. Any of my friends can confirm this. Sometimes, I eat a really sensible breakfast or dinner alone, and then I get the call that everyone's getting together to go out or cook in or barbecue or whatever, and... well, I don't want to be unsociable.
8. Is your weight affecting the way you live your life?
Kind of, because I am not a stripper, and if I was lovely and svelte this is how I would make my money.
9. Have you tried to diet for a week (or longer), only to fall short of your goal?
That's not normal?! This doesn't happen to everybody?! I think this question should be thrown out.
10. Do you resent others telling you to "use a little willpower" to stop overeating?
Well, that's an obnoxious, judgmental thing to say to someone. I would reply that I am already using my willpower not to kill and eat the person who said that to me.
11. Despite evidence to the contrary, have you continued to assert that you can diet "on your own" whenever you wish?
When have I ever said that? I have never said that. If I ever say that, punch me in the face.
12. Do you crave to eat at a definite time, day or night, other than mealtime?
There is never a time during the entire day when I would refuse a cookie. EVER.
13. Do you eat to escape from worries or trouble?
EVERYONE DOES THAT!!! STOP JUDGING ME!!!
14. Have you ever been treated for obesity or a food-related condition?
My mother put me on Nutri-System when I was fifteen. She was just trying to help.
15. Does your eating behavior make you or others unhappy?
It makes me unhappy because I want to be svelte. I also feel that I am consuming more than my share of resources that ought to be available to me within the human community. Well, and I feel like maybe I am spending too much time obsessing about stupid crap like cookies and my pants size.

Hmmm. Am I normal? I have completely lost perspective on this. Someone define normal for me. And please be really specific, because I'm neurotic and so my mind gets very squiggly.