I am fat boy! It's be cool!

Readers, a young man from Canada has asserted that he isn't impressed with cable television because "nothing's ever on." Well, listen up, Gloomy Gus, from some American-style tips to enhance your viewing pleasure.

1) Make a sport of it! See how badly you can develop an obsessive-compulsive fixation on finding the very best thing to watch on TV at that moment. Your thought-process will occur thusly:

"O.K., I've got the E! True Hollywood Story on 54 and a Queer Eye I've already seen even though it was good on Bravo, so I'll use the "last" button on the remote and switch between the two during commericals!"

When both channels start showing commericals at the same time, it's time to start the process over again!!! What a barrel of monkeys!

2) Watch Elimidate.

3) The weak part of your mind will spend commerical breaks worrying about your lack of will. Remembering how you used to spend time with friends and garden and suchlike. DON'T GIVE IN. Tell yourself it's o.k., because it IS! And then have a snack of some kind. I like cashews, myself.

Remember, Canada-man, cable television is not about what's on. It's about who's watching. Happy trails!